Clarence Thomas – A Quiet Man Of Few Words . . . And No Sign Language Ability To Make Up For It

First, a joke: A middle-class man decides to go off and join a monastery which requires an oath of silence. No speech is allowed except for two words every 5 years, to sum up ones experiences to the head monk.
After the first 5 years, the monk asked him what two words described his experiences and all he said was HARD BEDS.
When the next 5 year period came, the monk asked how things were and he replied BAD FOOD.
After 5 more years, he walked up to the monk and said, I QUIT!
The monk nodded and muttered Yes, this doesn’t surprise me. You’ve been doing nothing but complaining for the past 15 years!

With the exception of monks who take oaths of silence, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas has been the most pivotal figure in his relentless promotion of “silence is golden” addict. After 2 years and 144 cases, Clarence Thomas has not said one word and not asked one question during Supreme Court’s oral arguments. You must go back to Feb. 22, 2006, to find the last time he actually asked a question (in a death penalty case out of South Carolina).

You may think that this is a distinction he does not necessarily enjoy, but you’d be wrong! He’s quite proud of it. During one of his publicity tours promoting his book “My Grandfather’s Son”, Thomas said “the questions may be helpful to the others, but not to me”. He also told a crowd at the Federalist Society, a conservative legal group, “one thing I’ve demonstrated often in 16 years is you can do this job without asking a single question”.

And what does Justice Thomas do during oral arguments while the other Justices ask seemingly unnecessary questions? He’s been observed sitting back in his chair and staring at the ceiling, as if to say booooooooriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing. Come on people, move it along. I’d like to get home in time to watch Oprah.

Some of the other things Mr. Thomas ponders while staring at the ceiling are:

• What’s that? A pubic hair in my coke? How did it get there? Maybe Anita knows; I should remember to ask her later. [if you're too young to understand the reference, go here]
• How come there are so many S-es in Mississippi? And how come you’re always from either this side of it or that side? If I’m from this side, do you have to be from that side? Could we both be from this side? Oh, here’s a good one. Could we both be from from that side of Mississippi? It’s all so confusing.
• Are these lawyers still talking and the rest of the Judges still asking questions? Dang. I’m hungry. I should remember to ask the lunch lady at the cafeteria to make my Turkey Club on wheat. She always gives me fries before I have a chance to ask her for coleslaw. She pretends she doesn’t hear me, but I think she’s just ignoring me because she doesn’t like me.
• I wonder whether anyone would object if I brought my Big book of Sudoku puzzles with me. It’s not like I’m paying attention or participating in the discussions anyway.
• What would happen if I don’t show up tomorrow? There are only 9 of us; I think they’ll notice if I’m gone. Those kids on ‘Saved by the Bell’ always had ingenious ways of getting out of class. I still have all the episodes on VHS. I should probably watch some of them tonight to get ideas on how to skip these boring sessions.
• These individually-packaged string cheese are cool! They’ve colored them yellow to make you think they’re different from the white ones, but they taste exactly the same. They’re just trying to trick you.

Why am I being so cynical about Justice Thomas’ approach to case argument? Because I think it is a ridiculous, almost childish approach to establishing judicial policy that affect the entire country as well as daily activities of all corporations, individuals and life in general. It really is quite unconscionable. We, the American people, expect more and deserve better. Based on Thomas’ approach, consider the following:

• Why say the pledge of allegiance in schools or anywhere? We all know the words and are familiar with the etiquette (stand up, put your hand on your heart, etc.) So, why bother? Just sit there and visualize it.
• Why attend church? Just as new judiciary cases that come before the Supreme Court are all different, challenging, and somewhat unexplored, weekly sermons may offer new ideas using the same scripture as the last 2000 years or so. In the end, it’s not rocket science. The universal message is: be good and do right by God. So skip church; you already have all the necessary information.
• Why should you expect your doctor to ask questions about your illness? As part of your office visit, you’ve already filled out paper work listing the symptoms of your condition, your allergies, and all the drugs that you’re currently taking. Isn’t that enough?. Chances are your doctor has seen your condition 1,000 times before. All he needs to do is review your paper work and prescribe something. All those doctors that you normally complain about because they blow in and out of the examination room quickly without really looking at you or talking to you . . . those must be good doctors.

But let it not be said that Clarence Thomas does not have a sense of humor. His confirmation hearings were understandably tough on him. According to his book, instead of watching the Senate roll call, he drew himself a bath. His wife came to tell him he had been confirmed 52 to 48. “Whoop-dee-damn-doo,” Thomas uttered.