We Will We Will Rock You – An Indian Interpretation

No words necessary. Just watch.

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Shiva, Protector of CERN!

The news from CERN is that the large Hadron Collider is set to restart (yes, again!) around Feb. 20. → source.

As I was looking for pictures of the collider, I found this photo in front of CERN facility.

I recognized that statue in the background, but couldn’t quite place it at first.  Google to the rescue! It’s the statue of Shiva, which happens to be a destructive deity. In other words, Shiva, God of destruction, is prominently placed and displayed outside of CERN.

Brilliant! I feel better already. No wonder the damn thing doesn’t work.

One Of The Many Reasons I Don’t Have A Cat In My House

The French Solve “Nagging Spouse” Problem

Got a nagging spouse? Want him/her to stop? If you live in France, you’re in luck.

It appears that spouses who resort to verbal or psychological abuse could be criminally prosecuted under a new French law. → source

Perfect!

Next time my wife nags me about putting the toilet seat down, I’ll remind her that she’s technically a criminal – in France.

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By the way, I have a suggestion for men whose wives nag them about putting the toilet seat down. Offer one of these two compromises:

1. Both of you will have to put the lid down after use. This way, no one has an advantage.
2. Suggest that law of averages dictates that each use of the toilet will be by a different person. Therefore, men will have to put the toilet seat down so that it’s ready for ladies. Women will have to put the toilet seat up so that it’s ready for guys.

Yes, that’s the kind of gift I bring into my marriage!

And Now The Case Against Airport Body Scanners

Damn the underwear bomber!

First, he ruins airport security lines. And I love how the government refers to them as ‘check points’. Yup, we are now officially slaves. The old Soviet Union had check points. Iraq and Afghanistan have check points. Go to TSA’s website, and you’ll see the word ‘check point’ all over their pages. And while I’m on my rant, why the hell is it that http://tsa.gov doesn’t work? You actually have to include the www. Could they not fix their DNS record?

But most importantly, he has ruined our culinary experiences. According to the Wall Street Journal, the increased use of body scanners at airports has resulted in an alarming discovery. It turns out that many chefs smuggle quality salami, prosciutto and headcheese in their pants as they travel from Europe to the US. → source

Yum!

I think I’ll have a prosciutto and brie sandwich for lunch tomorrow. Email or comment if you want to join me.

One last side-note. Have you noticed that recent pictures of terrorists resemble those prepared for Social Networking sites? They all have new-age poses and slight sideway alignment. When did that trend start?

Luckiest Train Track Inspector

It’s amazing how fast an out-of-shape person can move and how high he can jump when properly motivated!

And then there are drunk people.

Hello, Facebook Status Update . . . What’s Your Emergency?

Here’s one for the annual Darwin awards.

In early September, two teenagers became trapped in a storm drain in Adelaide, Australia. They had a mobile phone with them. Instead of using it to call emergency services (000 in Australia), they used it to update their Facebook status. → source

Technology in the wrong hands is a dangerous tool. I will now pause while you make your own jokes.

And don’t even think about defending these girls. Yes, I know that it’s better for many to call emergency services rather than only one. I also understand that texting usually uses less battery power than a phone call. Finally, I am well aware that if the girls were kidnapped and couldn’t talk, a Facebook update may have been more appropriate.

I’m betting it was none of the above. Considering that girls generally mature earlier than boys, long-term prospect for humanity frightens me. We’ve all done stupid things, but come on!

On a related note, I’d love to become a fan of “teenage girls trapped in a storm drain for an eternity, OMG OMG”, but can’t find the fan page.

This reminds me of a Steven Wright joke:

The other day at Macy’s the power went out. Fifty people were stuck on the escalator for half an hour.

Either these two girls are absolute idiots or they are visionary geniuses. Only time will tell. But for now, there’s only one thing to say: use your !@#$%^&* phone!

Stilettos Or Bust

That title ought to boost my traffic after a 4-month absence.

A wacky new thing is brewing in the UK. Unions and Podiatrists (now that’s a winning combination) are considering banning heels in the workplace. → source

Podiatrists state that wearing high heels can “cause blisters, corns, calluses, damaged joints, knee and back pain”. Gee, thanks for that penis-shrinking image. Also according to the article:

Some women argue that stiletto heels give them a power advantage in male-dominated workplaces because the shoes make them appear taller and enhance their sex appeal. Others consider the shoes demeaning and symbolic of the sexist subjugation of women and their health to satisfy male whims and fantasies.

I have news for those of you who think power and sex appeal come to women who wear high heels at work. It’s time to throw away your Snow White videos. You live in a fantasy world. The only men you gain power over are precisely the ones who see women as sexual objects in the first place. All you’re doing is fueling their fantasies. Duh!

I also have news for those of you who think heels subjugate and demean women. Wow, I applaud your misplaced sense of self-esteem! All those self-help, positive-affirmation books you’ve read have clearly given you a false sense of sexuality. It’s obvious that you think waaay too highly of yourselves. Trust me when I tell you that more than half of women in heels are not sexually appealing to males who do not use zit medication before being dropped of at High School. It’s time to get over yourselves.

Here’s another news flash. Why are high heels only about women? What about men? Have you ever thought about how wearing sexy heels may tease men? Aren’t you women, in a way, victimizing men? Think about it.

Why is there a debate? Why is wearing heels not the decision of each individual woman?

Heels or not, I personally don’t really care either way. I only have one request. Please refrain from wearing high heels with shorts under any and all circumstances. That’s not sexy in the least bit. Get a clue.

And as a parting gift, since I’ve alienated both men and women already, here’s a Yo Mamma joke:

Yo Mamma is so fat, she left the house in the morning in Stilettos and came back in the evening in sandals.

And no! That joke is not demeaning to women. It’s just a joke. If you disagree, then tell me how all the TV commercials depicting men as complete idiots and women as brains of humanity are not demeaning to men. See?!

The Difference Between Barack Obama & Gordon Brown

Preventing Swine Flu In Afghanistan: Quarantine The ONLY Pig

How do you prevent Swine Flu from reaching Afghanistan? Simple! You quarantine the pig. Yes, the one and only single lonely pig in Kabul’s zoo. → source

Here’s my question. When parents play “this little piggy” with their children, how many little piggies do they count? There’s only one little piggy in the entire country, so I imagine it goes something like this:

This little piggy went to the market. The same little piggy went home. The same little piggy had roast beef. The same little piggy . . .

You get the picture.