Extreme Pen Spinning – Now That’s Talent

Do you remember all the different clubs in High School that you could join? Do you ever wonder what kind of social clubs exist in other countries?

Wonder no more. If you grow up in Bangkok, Thailand, you may join a pen spinning club.

I predict these boys will grow up to get laid – when they’re 40.

Impregnate My Wife, Please!

Here’s one for the WTF hall of fame!

29-year old Demetrius Soupolos of Stuttgart, Germany, is suing his neighbor for breach of contract. → source

The story goes something like this. Soupolos recently discovered he’s sterile. OK, no big deal. Lot’s of guys suffer from the same problem. But Soupolos had other plans. He had noticed that his neighbor, Frank Maus, looked remarkably like him. Further, Maus was clearly capable of procreation as he has 2 children. So a perfect plan was devised. Soupolos would hire his neighbor, Maus, for $2500 to impregnate his wife.

Wait, there’s more! Soupolos’ wife is a former beauty queen. Think about it. Maus was not only allowed to have sex with his neighbor’s wife who happens to be a beauty queen, but he was in fact encouraged and getting paid for it. Maus must have though he had hit the motherload.

So Maus set out to do his job – impregnating his neighbor’s wife. He tried for three evenings a week for the next six months – 72 times in all – unsuccessfully. When Maus’ wife objected, he explained “I don’t like this any more than you. I’m simply doing it for the money. Try and understand.” It turns out that she understood all too well. Read on.

Soon, Soupolos began to suspect foul play. He insisted on a medical exam which found that his neighbor, Maus, was also sterile. Wait, it gets better. It turns out that Maus’ children are not his. They are the product of an affair between his wife and another man.

This entire episode gives a new definition to the European Union.

In case you’re wondering, this lawsuit could be tried under ‘product liability’ according to Prof. Jonathan Turley.

14 Year Old Girl Arrested For Child Pornography

Sexting. We’ve all heard about it by now. But it doesn’t end there. Combine homo-sapiens of teenage years, a primordial soup of raging hormones, lots of extra time (because we’re not busy hunting food and making shelter), an infusion of unbelievable technology that is simple to use, and what do you get? A 14 year-old girl who took nearly 30 explicit nude pictures of herself and posted them on her MySpace. → source

OK, so you slap the back of her hand, give her a stern warning, ground her for a week, and maybe monitor her on-line activities. Right?

Oh, you’re so wrong. The right answer is you arrest her for possession and distribution of child pornography. So there!

Let’s review. We have laws to protect children from becoming objects of pornography. A 14 year-old girl taking nude pictures of herself is considered a child pornographer. Huh! Who’s the victim?

Don’t we have more relevant issues to consider . . . like bank bailouts?

‘No Kissing Zone’ Results In Grumpy Commuters In England

 

Warrington Bank Quary station in Warrington, in northwestern England, has a problem. You see, there’s entirely too much kissing going on when people drop off their loved ones. This causes traffic to back up at Warrington’s small parking lot.

What to do, what to do?

Virgin Rail (how appropriate for this story) which operates out of Warrington station has a plan . . . and a sign. And you’re looking at it.

“We have not banned kissing in the station,” insisted a Virgin Railspokesman.

“But we have put the sign up at the drop off point because it is not a very big area and it often gets busy with lots of traffic.”

 ”The sign is a light-hearted way of getting people to move on quickly.” 

“If people wish to spend a little more time with their loved ones before they leave, then they should park in the short-stay car park nearby.” 

The way I see it is that the sign bans men wearing hats from kissing grown-up versions of Lisa Simpson. It also appears that same-sex kissing is completely permitted.

Viagra Wins The War In Afghanistan. Only If It Was That Easy.

How do you win the hearts and minds of Afghan warlords in an increasingly complicated and perilous war? Simple! Let the CIA hand out those little blue pills. → source

You see my Republican friends, those on-line Canadian pharmacies turned out to be useful after all. Those harems are not easy to retain, you know! They are very demanding on the old warlords. 

Let’s just hope we’re only winning their hearts and minds, and no other body parts nothing else.

This gives a whole new meaning to ‘make love, not war’.

Is That A Gun In Your Hand During Sex Or Are You Just Stupid?

Talk about naked gun! 

Just in case you are unaware of this possibility, here’s a news flash. Sex and guns don’t mix!

Imagine that you’re an Ohio man. You’re having sex with your estranged wife, who happens to have a restraining order against you. Hey, we’re talking sex here. Civil protection orders don’t apply to consensual sex, do they? In any event, you spot her gun in bed. You think to yourself: self! This gun in bed represents somewhat of a dangerous situation. I think I’ll move it to the nightstand or put it on the floor or . . . And the gun goes off shooting her in the chest. Bummer man. 

If those two did this much banging when they were married, their kids wouldn’t look like the mailman, and they would not be estranged.

What’s the first thing you must do after this tragic but intriguing accident? Call 911, of course.

Is it just me or does this dude look like Joe the plumber?

Here’s a news article:
http://www.wlwt.com/news/18196466/detail.html

So You Have Small Breasts? Stop Drinking Coffee!

Are you a coffee drinker? Do you love the aroma? Are you mentally worthless until you’ve drank your first cup in the morning?

Well, good for you . . . unless you’re a woman. A new study conducted at Lund University in southern Sweden suggests that drinking coffee can reduce your breast size – by an average of 17 percent if you drink 3 or more cups per day.

To my knowledge, there’s no equivalent study about coffee-drinking men and their . . . well, you know.

So remember, drinking a CUP of coffee reduces the size of your bra CUP. A good CUP results in an undesired CUP. A large CUP results in small CUP. Jumbo CUP leads to mini CUP . . . Someone stop me, please!

If you’re a coffee-drinking woman, you now know why all the guys around you keep drinking beer. It’s to reverse the effect. Come on, admit it. Beer does work. 

There seems to be no explanation for the phenomenon of (shall we say) gifted coffee-drinking women. Sometimes those ’sweater monkeys’, despite guzzling venti size coffee drinks, just don’t get any smaller.

I came across a study some years ago that demonstrated drinking coffee, by men, just prior to sex could increase the odds of procreation. The hypothesis is that ‘little boys’ under the effect of caffeine swim faster, harder and longer.

End Of Daylight Saving: Your Permission To Have More Sex

Who knew that Daylight Saving time was bad for your health. Researchers have discovered that end of Daylight Saving in the fall, when we turn our clocks back and thus gain one hour, is actually good for your heart. It appears that the extra hour of sleep reduces heart attacks by 5%. Unfortunately, the opposite is true in the Spring when the clocks are set forward.

I am also aware of other research that places higher heart attack risks on men over 40 every time they engage in sex. Being an analytical kind of guy, I have discerned the following information from the combined knowledge of both studies. Setting clocks back reduces heart attack risk; having more sex increases it. So why not even out the odds by having more sex on Sunday after gaining an extra hour? 

So, men, remember the following:

• In the Spring, clocks spring forward but you should not (no sex)
• In the Fall, clocks fall back but you don’t have to (you know what I mean)

Sometimes I’m just too brilliant for my own good!

PS. If I don’t post any more blogs, you know what happened.

Palin’s Family Is Absolutely Fair Game – Really!

The new revelation that Bristol Palin, Sarah Palin’s daughter, is pregnant has rekindled an old debate: should families of nominees be off-limits? I have always maintained that families, beliefs and secrets of all policy makers are fair game. Shocked? Don’t be. The alternative would be silly.

We elect policy makers who set the course of our civic lives. In return, we should expect them to propagate initiatives that they, themselves, adhere to and respect. We should not, under any circumstances, accept the idea of do as I say and not as I do.

Bill Clinton’s difficulty in comprehending what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is notwithstanding, his sexual conduct while President was absolutely fair game. Democrats attempted to diffuse the situation by saying that the President’s sexual conduct had nothing to do with (and did not affect) conducting the business of the people. Wrong! Being the leader of the free world, the trust it requires and the responsibilities it carries have EVERYTHING to do with conducting the business of the people. He had sex with someone other than his wife at the Oval Office. I don’t particularly care about the infidelity part. I do, however, care that it happened while he was President, and that he lied about it.

Feel free to not mention to me that President Bush possibly also lied. This post is about family matters. The premise of the Iraq war is irrelevant here.

Vice President Cheney’s lesbian daughter is absolutely fair game. He should not support a constitutional amendment banning gay/lesbian marriage if his own family includes a lesbian.

Accordingly, Sarah Palin’s pregnant daughter is absolutely fair game. Many in her own Republican party would consider this a failure of parenthood, strong family or religion. All efforts by the Palins and the campaign to positively spin this unfortunate occurrence by saying that they are very proud of Bristol’s decision to keep the baby and to marry the young man are meaningless. They have no choice in the matter. Aborting the baby would be considered sinful. Not marrying the father of the baby would make Bristol an unwed, underage, single Mom. Either way, Palin would not have earned a spot on the Republican ticket.

And now for the kicker. Remember when Britney Spears’ younger sister, Jamie Lynn, became pregnant at 16? I remember how Conservative media personalities such as Limbaugh and O’Reilly had a field day with that. O’Reilly said about Jamie Lynn “. . . the blame falls primarily on the parents of the girl, who obviously have little control over her . . .”

Well, that was then, and it was about a God-less liberal entertainer brat. Sarah Palin’s situation is completely different. Right? Reacting to a Cynthia Tucker column in Atlanta Journal-Constitution, O’Reilly explained why Sarah Palin is not to blame:

Now, the latest thing is that people like me don’t condemn Palin’s family but we condemn other people who, uh, gave birth out of wedlock. I’ve never condemned anybody who gave birth out of wedlock. Ever in my life. I don’t make those kinds of determinations. What I do say and, this nut Cynthia Tucker in the Atlanta Journal Constitution makes a deal out of this, I said that Britney Spears and what’s her sister’s name who’s pregnant, their parents were irresponsible – Jamie Lee – because they were running around unsupervised. Yeah, I said that and I believe it. It has nothing to do with the Palin situation, okay? So, I mean, it just, it really, it makes me angry. → source

Oh, but it has everything to do with the Sarah Palin situation, Mr. O’Reilly. On the one hand, Jamie Lynn’s out of wedlock pregnancy at 16 was a strong indication of failed or absent parenthood. On the other hand, Bristol Palin’s out of wedlock pregnancy at 17 is a private family matter for the Palins only. It doesn’t make sense, does it?

I only have one thing to say about that: WE’LL DO IT LIVE!

Watch this video if you don’t know that reference.  

And here’s a video of Bill Clinton’s difficulty with the word ‘is’.

Of Women, Chocolate, Passwords, And Life

The Europeans strike again!

According to a survey conducted by Infosecurity Europe, 45% of women gave out personal passwords to complete strangers in exchange for chocolate bars. Only 10% of men did the same. There was no indication as to whether women gave out real passwords.

So, why is it that chocolate makes women freely give out personal information to complete strangers, but it cannot convince them to . . . how shall I say this delicately . . . become more playful?

The answer to that question requires knowledge of tele-transport through a worm-hole in a twelve-dimensional parallel universe where anti-matter gravitational forces compete with gamma-ray radioactive electro-magnetic pulses in a super-conducting particle beam accelerator causing unstable ancillary cryogenic nuclei to collide.

Or, perhaps it’s because women get headaches – often, very often!