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Got a nagging spouse? Want him/her to stop? If you live in France, you’re in luck.
It appears that spouses who resort to verbal or psychological abuse could be criminally prosecuted under a new French law. → source
Perfect!
Next time my wife nags me about putting the toilet seat down, I’ll remind her that she’s technically a criminal – in France.
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By the way, I have a suggestion for men whose wives nag them about putting the toilet seat down. Offer one of these two compromises:
Both of you will have to put the lid down after use. This way, no one has an advantage.
Suggest that law of averages dictates that each use of the toilet will be by a different person. Therefore, men will have to put the toilet seat down so that it’s ready for ladies. Women will have to put the toilet seat up so that it’s ready for guys.
Yes, that’s the kind of gift I bring into my marriage!
That title ought to boost my traffic after a 4-month absence.
A wacky new thing is brewing in the UK. Unions and Podiatrists (now that’s a winning combination) are considering banning heels in the workplace. → source
Podiatrists state that wearing high heels can “cause blisters, corns, calluses, damaged joints, knee and back pain”. Gee, thanks for that penis-shrinking image. Also according to the article:
Some women argue that stiletto heels give them a power advantage in male-dominated workplaces because the shoes make them appear taller and enhance their sex appeal. Others consider the shoes demeaning and symbolic of the sexist subjugation of women and their health to satisfy male whims and fantasies.
I have news for those of you who think power and sex appeal come to women who wear high heels at work. It’s time to throw away your Snow White videos. You live in a fantasy world. The only men you gain power over are precisely the ones who see women as sexual objects in the first place. All you’re doing is fueling their fantasies. Duh!
I also have news for those of you who think heels subjugate and demean women. Wow, I applaud your misplaced sense of self-esteem! All those self-help, positive-affirmation books you’ve read have clearly given you a false sense of sexuality. It’s obvious that you think waaay too highly of yourselves. Trust me when I tell you that more than half of women in heels are not sexually appealing to males who do not use zit medication before being dropped of at High School. It’s time to get over yourselves.
Here’s another news flash. Why are high heels only about women? What about men? Have you ever thought about how wearing sexy heels may tease men? Aren’t you women, in a way, victimizing men? Think about it.
Why is there a debate? Why is wearing heels not the decision of each individual woman?
Heels or not, I personally don’t really care either way. I only have one request. Please refrain from wearing high heels with shorts under any and all circumstances. That’s not sexy in the least bit. Get a clue.
And as a parting gift, since I’ve alienated both men and women already, here’s a Yo Mamma joke:
Yo Mamma is so fat, she left the house in the morning in Stilettos and came back in the evening in sandals.
And no! That joke is not demeaning to women. It’s just a joke. If you disagree, then tell me how all the TV commercials depicting men as complete idiots and women as brains of humanity are not demeaning to men. See?!
And now a story from the ‘marriage from hell’ hall of fame.
Twenty two year-old Alexei Roskov has a problem. In fact, it’s quite a nagging problem. You see, his wife nags him a lot. She nags him so much that Alexei decided to take matters into his own hands. One day, he downed 3 bottles of vodka, opened the kitchen window of their Moscow apartment, and hurled himself out. → source
Amazingly, he survived the 50 ft fall with not even a scratch on him! After staggering back upstairs, his wife called for an ambulance and promptly began to, you guessed it, nag and scold him. So Alexei did what any other rational husband would do. He jumped out of the very same window again.
Medics treated him for minor cuts and bruises.
In an interview, Alexei summed up the events this way:
“I have no idea why I jumped the first time but when I came back up and I heard my wife screaming angrily at me I thought it was best if I left the room again – out of the window.”
Guys. Don’t get too creative when you’re ready to propose. Keep it simple. The more complicated and elaborate the plan, the more ways it can go wrong.
On the other hand, this story is worth its weight in gold. How can you ever top that? Every time she looks at her ring, she’ll be reminded of a bathroom trip. How nice for the young couple!
Warrington Bank Quary station in Warrington, in northwestern England, has a problem. You see, there’s entirely too much kissing going on when people drop off their loved ones. This causes traffic to back up at Warrington’s small parking lot.
What to do, what to do?
Virgin Rail (how appropriate for this story) which operates out of Warrington station has a plan . . . and a sign. And you’re looking at it.
“We have not banned kissing in the station,” insisted a Virgin Railspokesman.
“But we have put the sign up at the drop off point because it is not a very big area and it often gets busy with lots of traffic.”
”The sign is a light-hearted way of getting people to move on quickly.”
“If people wish to spend a little more time with their loved ones before they leave, then they should park in the short-stay car park nearby.”
The way I see it is that the sign bans men wearing hats from kissing grown-up versions of Lisa Simpson. It also appears that same-sex kissing is completely permitted.
OK guys. Pay very close attention. This is nothing short of a Christmas gift for most of us.
A new study conducted at Heriot Watt University’s Family and Personal Relationships Laboratory in Edinburgh suggests that watching romantic movies may in fact negatively affect your love life. → source
Scientists concluded that romantic movies give unrealistic and unhealthy expectations about real-life relationships. Odds of finding a soul-mate are not that great. One of the researchers, Dr Holmes, said: ‘There’s a notion of destiny and couples in romantic comedies immediately understand each other. If you think that’s how things are, you are setting yourself up to be disappointed.’
Interestingly, my wife and I had a long chat many yeas ago about watching romantic movies. She is keenly aware of the possibility of projectile vomiting as well as uncontrollable eye-rolling movements by me if the story gets too sappy. Let’s just say we understand each other on this issue. We hardly go to the movies anymore. They’re too expensive and a 20 month-old baby makes movie going tough. Instead, we watch DVDs at home. And if romantic stories are involved in any way, I always have a genuine airplane barf bag as well as my fully-charged laptop ready and accessible.
So, guys! If you’re desperate to get out of watching too many romantic comedies (and I know who you are), feel free to use the following open letter to make your point to your significant other.
My Dearest <name>,
We’ve been together longer than I care to recall without a stiff drink <fill in a number> glorious <months / years>. You have been the biggest constant pain a human being should be allowed to experience joy in my life. Your romantic approach to life has been nothing short of a welcome miracle for me. <loud, uncontrollable laughter> My heart is filled with nothing but clogged arteries due to your cooking love and joy for you and our relationship. And that is precisely why I feel compelled to bring up the following topic as a point of conversation. What the hell else am I going to do? You won’t let me watch TV when we’re eating dinner.
A new study suggests that watching too many any romantic movies/comedies may result in uncontrolled projectile vomiting unexpected and unhealthy expectations that could adversely affect our relationship.
At the heart of the matter is the exaggerated expectations of life that such movies portray which you expect to achieve in our relationship. For God’s sake, don’t you know that everday life is just not really that exciting and sparks don’t fly 24/7 without interruption? I’m sure you agree that our daily life together is always exciting and our love gains more strength and momentum with each passing day. No romantic movie can possibly compete with the romance and the ever-present spark that is present in our relationship. I hope this B.S. sticks because I’m laying it on pretty thick.
No movie can live up to our standard of romance. huh! Therefore, I propose to you that watching any romantic comedy is a complete waste of our splendidly fabulous time together.
Are you a coffee drinker? Do you love the aroma? Are you mentally worthless until you’ve drank your first cup in the morning?
Well, good for you . . . unless you’re a woman. A new study conducted at Lund University in southern Sweden suggests that drinking coffee can reduce your breast size – by an average of 17 percent if you drink 3 or more cups per day.
To my knowledge, there’s no equivalent study about coffee-drinking men and their . . . well, you know.
So remember, drinking a CUP of coffee reduces the size of your bra CUP. A good CUP results in an undesired CUP. A large CUP results in small CUP. Jumbo CUP leads to mini CUP . . . Someone stop me, please!
If you’re a coffee-drinking woman, you now know why all the guys around you keep drinking beer. It’s to reverse the effect. Come on, admit it. Beer does work.
There seems to be no explanation for the phenomenon of (shall we say) gifted coffee-drinking women. Sometimes those ‘sweater monkeys’, despite guzzling venti size coffee drinks, just don’t get any smaller.
I came across a study some years ago that demonstrated drinking coffee, by men, just prior to sex could increase the odds of procreation. The hypothesis is that ‘little boys’ under the effect of caffeine swim faster, harder and longer.
Calvin & Hobbes were right all along. Their top-secret G.R.O.S.S. club (Get Rid Of Slimy girlS) was on the money. Girls are yucky. Women do have cooties.
The jig is up women. We are on to you. We know all about your dirty secret now. You can attempt to fool us by your innocent looks and vulnerable demeanor, dazzle us by your hairdo, mesmerize us by your soft skin, and seduce us by your sexy curves.
Um, well, you can certainly continue to do all that. We’re not complaining.
But we know the truth now. A new study has discovered that, on average, women’s palms harbor significantly more microbes and bacteria than men’s. In other words, you women have dirty, dirty hands. And that’s not all. Not only do you have dirtier hands, you also have greater diversity of microbes. Roughly 150 different species of bacteria is living on your hands.
Think of the profound implications of this finding. Men are like monkeys. Men are dirty. Men use their hands to:
Scratch their bald and sweaty heads.
Perform nose excavation.
Dig earwax.
Scratch their crotch.
Pee without always washing their hands afterwards.
I can go on, but you get the picture. As dirty as men are, women’s hands are dirtier.
Well, thanks a lot women for spreading your cooties around. I’d shake your hand, but . . . you know!
The new revelation that Bristol Palin, Sarah Palin’s daughter, is pregnant has rekindled an old debate: should families of nominees be off-limits? I have always maintained that families, beliefs and secrets of all policy makers are fair game. Shocked? Don’t be. The alternative would be silly.
We elect policy makers who set the course of our civic lives. In return, we should expect them to propagate initiatives that they, themselves, adhere to and respect. We should not, under any circumstances, accept the idea of do as I say and not as I do.
Bill Clinton’s difficulty in comprehending what the meaning of the word ‘is’ is notwithstanding, his sexual conduct while President was absolutely fair game. Democrats attempted to diffuse the situation by saying that the President’s sexual conduct had nothing to do with (and did not affect) conducting the business of the people. Wrong! Being the leader of the free world, the trust it requires and the responsibilities it carries have EVERYTHING to do with conducting the business of the people. He had sex with someone other than his wife at the Oval Office. I don’t particularly care about the infidelity part. I do, however, care that it happened while he was President, and that he lied about it.
Feel free to not mention to me that President Bush possibly also lied. This post is about family matters. The premise of the Iraq war is irrelevant here.
Vice President Cheney’s lesbian daughter is absolutely fair game. He should not support a constitutional amendment banning gay/lesbian marriage if his own family includes a lesbian.
Accordingly, Sarah Palin’s pregnant daughter is absolutely fair game. Many in her own Republican party would consider this a failure of parenthood, strong family or religion. All efforts by the Palins and the campaign to positively spin this unfortunate occurrence by saying that they are very proud of Bristol’s decision to keep the baby and to marry the young man are meaningless. They have no choice in the matter. Aborting the baby would be considered sinful. Not marrying the father of the baby would make Bristol an unwed, underage, single Mom. Either way, Palin would not have earned a spot on the Republican ticket.
And now for the kicker. Remember when Britney Spears’ younger sister, Jamie Lynn, became pregnant at 16? I remember how Conservative media personalities such as Limbaugh and O’Reilly had a field day with that. O’Reilly said about Jamie Lynn “. . . the blame falls primarily on the parents of the girl, who obviously have little control over her . . .”
Well, that was then, and it was about a God-less liberal entertainer brat. Sarah Palin’s situation is completely different. Right? Reacting to a Cynthia Tucker column in Atlanta Journal-Constitution, O’Reilly explained why Sarah Palin is not to blame:
Now, the latest thing is that people like me don’t condemn Palin’s family but we condemn other people who, uh, gave birth out of wedlock. I’ve never condemned anybody who gave birth out of wedlock. Ever in my life. I don’t make those kinds of determinations. What I do say and, this nut Cynthia Tucker in the Atlanta Journal Constitution makes a deal out of this, I said that Britney Spears and what’s her sister’s name who’s pregnant, their parents were irresponsible – Jamie Lee – because they were running around unsupervised. Yeah, I said that and I believe it. It has nothing to do with the Palin situation, okay? So, I mean, it just, it really, it makes me angry. → source
Oh, but it has everything to do with the Sarah Palin situation, Mr. O’Reilly. On the one hand, Jamie Lynn’s out of wedlock pregnancy at 16 was a strong indication of failed or absent parenthood. On the other hand, Bristol Palin’s out of wedlock pregnancy at 17 is a private family matter for the Palins only. It doesn’t make sense, does it?
I only have one thing to say about that: WE’LL DO IT LIVE!
Watch this video if you don’t know that reference.
And here’s a video of Bill Clinton’s difficulty with the word ‘is’.
Got a nagging spouse? Want him/her to stop? If you live in France, you’re in luck.
Posted by jmjorat 
That title ought to boost my traffic after a 4-month absence.
And now a story from the ‘marriage from hell’ hall of fame.
It’s to reverse the effect. Come on, admit it. Beer does work. 
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